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  • Jessica Fred

What the hell do I know?

Lately, I have been questioning just what do I really know about the world, life, anything, really. I've crammed my head full of all sorts of facts and information, but what do I really know? I've been revisiting Wayne Dyer's book, "Change Your Mind, Change Your Life", which is about Wayne's year of experience living the Tao Te Ching. I find great comfort in the verses of the Tao and Wayne's explanation of how to live the wisdom of the Tao. I know from my own experience with transformation just how imperative it is to be able to change your mind, but I also know how difficult it can be at times. I've always been pretty open-minded about everything, willing to entertain different views and thoughts presented to me, but I'm a natural born skeptic, especially when it comes to the "spiritual" realm or anything that costs a lot of money! I have always had to research everything to convince myself if it's right for me and how beneficial the thing will be in my life and then justify any money I spend on the thing. I'm not the easiest person to convince of anything and I have to admit that I kinda love that about myself!


In recent years, I've opened myself to so much more than the rational, logic based proof that I always felt I needed to have in order to believe in anything. I've moved more toward the experiential realm and have started to really tune into my intuitive nature. I've always had an inner guidance system, an intuitive knowing that went beyond explanation, and I've used it without having to pick it apart and figure out exactly what it is or how it works. I had a pretty long span of years that my mind wouldn't allow me to trust that inner guidance a lot of the time and I battled within myself with anxiety about making decisions, committing to anything, or even stepping out into the unfamiliar to do something that sounded like fun. My mind fucked with me a lot, lot, LOT!


Overthinking seems to be glorified by society. I know that I was conditioned to "think before opening my mouth" and to think again before I did anything. I know my parents thought they were keeping me safe, but I also know that they were fearful control freaks at times who thought it was their right to be respected by their kids no matter what they said or did. I learned to fear a lot of things, especially the unfamiliar. I thought I was supposed to know everything about everything before I did anything. That was exhausting and depressing!


I've always been pretty strong-willed, but I easily fell into the trap of becoming a people pleaser because I feared rejection so much. I wrote a poem in high school English class titled, "I Am a Lonely Young Woman Who Worries Too Much". If that doesn't tell the story of my early years, I don't know what can. I could see it in myself. The awareness was already there, but I didn't know how to transcend the anxiety and the overwhelming fear of doing something wrong. What if I look stupid? What if people look at me and laugh? What if what I say isn't 100% accurate? What if?????


I can look back at myself and question how much of my issues were nature vs. nurture. I have realized so much from studying Astrology. Analyzing my birth chart shed so much light on how I take the world in and why I think and feel the way I do about so many things. It helped me understand my inner turmoil and conflicts and put it in a way that I could really see and understand on another level, separate from being it. Birth chart analysis through Astrology and Human Design have allowed me to be the observer of my self, notice the small "s" on self.


It took me many years to really understand how the information from Astrology and Human Design are beneficial. When I first learned it, it helped m

e realize that I am the way I am through no fault of my own. That helped me accept myself completely, shining star and critical overthinker with all sorts of weird tendencies, that I am. I know that I don't need to know Astrology or Human Design because what I really needed to know was that I'm exactly the way I'm supposed to be and I need to Love and accept my self exactly the way I am in order to transcend the illusion of this reality. I had to let go of the victim mentality or the inferiority complex that I had to know that I'm the creator of my reality. I'm exactly the way I was created to be, which is perfect for what I came here for.


What else do I know? I know that each of us needs to come back to Love, to intuition, to an inner awareness and understanding that transcends what the senses or even science can tangibly prove. We must move away from the conditioned beliefs that have held us in patterns of destruction. We must realize all that we aren't to know who we really are, which is a paradox that doesn't seem to make sense. Quantum Physics is making huge strides toward linking the physical and spiritual realms


. Other fields of study are crossing over to bring the pieces together, too. Joe Dispenza, Bruce Lipton, Greg Braden, and many others are bridging the dimensions.


I know that I have nothing to fear. I know that I don't have to quantify everything as good or bad or right or wrong. I know that I came here to this physical realm to experience everything that I can and that it's all here to help me expand my awareness and consciousness. I know that I am consciousness expressed. Consciousness is all that is. All that is expresses as me and you and everything else. Nothing is happening to us. Everything is happening for us. Change the way you look at things and the things you see will change. As Wayne Dyer said, "You have to believe it before you see it". All creation starts within. If you'd like a better world to live in, it's time to look inside. Know peace within and you will see peace everywhere. May you be blessed with knowing who and what you truly are.



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