I've spent a lot of time contemplating and reflecting on relationship dynamics and what constitutes a healthy and loving relationship. I grew up in a home with emotionally volatile parents who had no awareness of how their actions impacted me and my brothers. I was the good kid who felt the weight of the projections of perfection from the time I was born. I never felt good enough, no matter how well I performed. I developed an overwhelming social anxiety as I progressed into my teens that continued into my 40's. I felt like no one ever really saw me and it was unsafe to be fully seen.
Both of my parents were very emotionally immature. They married at 18 (Dad) and 17 (Mom), my Dad barely out of high school and my Mom didn't graduate. My Mom was 18 at the time of my birth, still a child herself. They were both kids and each of them had challenging relationships with their own parents, as many people do. They were taught respect through fear and control tactics, especially my Dad. I wish I had been able to have more intimate and vulnerable conversations about all of the emotions and relationship dynamics in our family lines. We didn't really discuss emotions. They were suppressed, except in times of triggered outbursts, which were like volcanic eruptions that sent a stream of fiery verbal abuse or at times more physical interactions. I remember crying a lot as a child, crying myself into submission and retreat and learning to keep my mouth shut because my questioning was not only unwelcome, but seemed to provoke eruptions.
I think my Dad had a lot of realizations after he was diagnosed with cancer, but I don't think he ever really delved into his own emotional wounds and he never really took full accountability for the way he treated us as kids. I was pregnant with my first child when he was diagnosed. He tried to make amends through his interactions with his grandkids, at least to some extent. He physically died at the age of 60, but I think in many ways he died long before that. Cancer was a reckoning that made him more aware of his own mortality and gave him a chance to change, and he did, at least in some ways. He survived cancer, and yet his body was riddled with other ailments in the aftermath of chemo and radiation treatments. I think there were times that he regretted going through treatment. In some ways, I think his battle with cancer became a reprieve from life, a sort of cocooning. When he emerged, I'm not sure he was able to fully integrate and his wings didn't fully develop.
Ahhhh, childhood, I wish I could look back and remember all the fun times I had. I know it wasn't all terrible. I used to think it was comparatively good. I mean there's always some other kid somewhere who has it worse. As long as I kept my mouth shut, made myself scarce when my Dad was in a mood, and just did all the things I was told, I was able to escape corporal punishment and just had to deal with watching it happen to my brother, who wasn't nearly as easily contained as me. His story isn't mine to tell, but I can look back and see how much harder his childhood was and how it impacted him as an adult. I remember feeling like we had to protect each other, maybe more that I needed to protect him. We definitely had a love/hate relationship, too. We weren't taught communication skills and emotional regulation. We were put into boxing or wrestling matches and told to fight it out. No wonder I progressively put on weight as a child, especially in the transition between 6th and 7th grades.
When I finally entered my first real relationship, I ended up with an older man with lesser emotional maturity than me. I settled for emotional avoidance because it felt safer than emotional volatility. I tried my best to help him feel more secure while I always felt like I was walking on eggshells. I can see the pattern from the way my parents interacted with each other. I can see now how I was unconsciously working through my own Daddy issues and trying to get the approval and affection I needed as a child.
When I started this blog post, I thought I was going to share some information about warning signs of an unhealthy relationship. I started down an emotional rollercoaster as I reflected on how I got to this point in my life. In the past, I thought that it's important to understand why I am the way I am in order to actually see who I've become and decide if that identity is truly authentic and in alignment on a mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual level. More and more, I realize it's more important to actually allow myself to feel everything I pushed down and ran away from and simply accept that it all happened exactly as it needed to. The person I am today is a culmination of nature and nurture. I'm more internally attuned than I have ever been and able to ride out all of my own emotional waves without drowning in them or trying to escape them.
Relationships have been a pivotal part in understanding myself. I've come to realize and understand that other people rarely, if ever, have any true ability to fully understand another person, no matter how long they live together. For a long time, I felt like I was searching for someone who would understand me and fully accept me. That search has come to an end because I now know that the only person who will ever fully have that capability is me. Even if I was able to verbally communicate every single thought in my mind at every moment, there's limited potential for another person to fully understand me because they will never have the full context of what it means to be me from my perspective. My life's work has been looking into me to see...and now, I fully see me through my own projections and reflections of every other person. I'm still not sure I fully understand everything about myself, and I have accepted that I'll always be a masterpiece and a work in progress at the same time.
Thanks for coming on the rollercoaster with me. I am hopeful that these words have catalyzed your own self-inquiry and awareness. If you're seeking connection and someone who can put a mirror up for you, reach out and prepare to dive deep.
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